Up until fairly recently, things in my life always sort of worked out. This doesn’t mean that it was easy or that I didn’t face disappointments. It just means that what I set out to do, I usually accomplished. I wanted to go to a top law school on the east coast, done. I wanted to pass the bar in two states the first time. I did it. I wanted to get a “real legal job” and feel like a lawyer. Somehow I worked that out too.
So when I left my job to start a solo practice, I thought things would eventually work out in pretty much the same way, and in the beginning, it did. I worked hard, and there were disappointments. But more often than not I was successful.
Until I got sick.
At first, I thought it was physiological. I couldn’t sleep. I gained 20 pounds in 9 months. My blood pressure swung from extremely high to the point where one doctor wanted me to take blood pressure medication. To dangerously low and another doctor had an entirely different treatment plan. It was difficult for me to concentrate or to feel good. What I soon learned was that my mind was attacking my body and my spirit. I learned that I was suffering from major depression.
My depression facilitated the first major setback of my life.
This wasn’t the online entrepreneur version of a setback. You know the one where you don’t have clients for the first month of your business but somehow turn that into a million dollars in 6 months. This setback was real, scary and had major implications on my livelihood.
Suddenly, I disappeared from life and my business. I disappointed clients. I failed to follow up with networking partners and referral sources. I stop being the reliable person that I knew myself to be. I stopped giving my all because there was nothing left to give.
I couldn’t stop the moving train no matter how hard I tried.
The more I tried to return to the old person I knew, the harder it became for me to get out of bed, concentrate…breathe. Depression turned my life upside down, and I wasn’t really sure how to fix it.
The overall period of my illness (when I add in the time that I was depressed and didn’t know and the time that I knew I was depressed and tried to keep going on at my usual hyper-speed anyway) was about 18 months. That’s a long time and way longer than I expected. When I started treatment, I even asked my therapist, “how long does this depression stuff last?” All the while secretly hoping that there was a 6 to 8 weeks depression elimination plan.
Now that I’m on the other side of things and have had a chance to process all that happened, I recognized that some things made it easier for me to recalibrate my compass once I was feeling better. So here’s what I learned about overcoming a setback.
Tell Someone.
As my symptoms and confusion progressed, I confided in a trusted friend about how I was feeling. She recognized the signs of a problem before I did and helped me get help even when I was reluctant to do so. After some time, I realized that I really never told anyone the truth of how I was feeling. Often it was because I didn’t have the words, but it was also because I didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of others.
But, connection is a vital part of the human experience. To connect you must be authentic and let people see who you are. So now I force myself to tell my close friends and family exactly how I feel even if it isn’t pretty. Holding on to those feelings only leads to more stress and internal conflict. Your friends and family can provide perspective and move you from your personal sunken place faster.
Watch For Signs.
With hindsight, people always say that there were signs of a problem coming after the problem has occurred. Because we are all so busy in our daily lives, we often miss those small signs and are only forced to face an issue once the problem becomes too big to ignore. But if you want to avoid a major calamity and the setbacks that come with it, make time to watch for signs and patterns in your life. For me, the sign is watching series reruns of shows with strong female leads over and over again. Shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Gilmore Girls were on repeat, and I was foregoing sleep to watch them (even though I had seen every episode previously). This type of TV binging is now a sign for me that I need to slow down and recalibrate. I now know that I am using those shows to escape my life and I need to question why.
Take a Break.
At first, the idea of taking some time off from my business to address my health seemed ridiculous to me. How would I survive, pay bills, live indoors? But when my therapist told me that time off would jumpstart my healing, I took it more seriously. Could I take time and not end up homeless?
Yes. I can, and I did. And you can too.
Sometimes you need a break to clear the cobwebs and bring in some perspective and levity to a situation. You can’t process if you are constantly doing the busy lives that most of us are leading. So breaking is required.
How do you do it? It’s not as hard as you think. You will have to leave your comfort zone a bit by asking for help, eliminating expenses, and using your savings, credit or a loan to do it, but it’s possible. And you’ll be the better for it. If you know you need a break, take it.
Forgive yourself.
If you are used to being dependable and pleasing, disappointing people can feel shameful. You end up sneaking around as you avoid the person you disappointed instead of addressing the situation. Instead, try forgiving yourself, especially if you are dealing with a mental illness. You did not intentionally cause the disappointment. There were forces beyond your control at play, and your mind was doing what it needed to protect itself. The sooner you forgive yourself, the sooner you can apologize to the people you disappointed or hurt. Once you’ve done that, let it go. Holding on to unnecessary baggage won’t help your healing going forward either.
Love yourself. Because it changes everything.
Have you had a setback in your life? How did you recover? Let me know you tips in the comments below.
